As the spring semester comes to an end, I look back at all my past writings and see how I have grown. So many distractions from daily life and I found ways to get essays and blogs done. I would get other tasks done first before I sat down to write anything. Finding a quiet room in my house is almost impossible so when kids were doing their homework or in bed for the night was my time to type. I tried various methods that would get the creative juices flowing and there wasn't just one method. It depended on the day and what else I had going on and had to do. One of my strategies was to always have a pad of paper and a pen near by so anytime throughout the day if I got a creative surge I could jot it down. This really worked. Not well organized, but when I could sit down, I had a few papers with ideas to help me. At midterm I was improving and just needed to put some more effort into my work. I was motivated and proud of my This I Wonder essay and kept revising to make it better. I tried to keep up with the assignments afterward but life got in the way again. I missed a few days and the motivation was lost. It wasn't hard to build it up again, but I felt like I let myself down for not staying focused when I needed to be. I felt like I accomplished my goal of becoming stronger and more open with my writing. I also feel like I have more to learn.
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I am going through my essays finding "problem" sentences and revising them. The final drafts with revisions will be posted under the portfolio.
This I Believe Problem sentence 1: As I pull up in the driveway and get out of the car, I can smell the aroma of the honeysuckle trees on the side of the white house wit blue shutters. (It seems to be too long and wordy.) Revision 1: As I pull in the driveway to the white house with blue shutters, I can smell the honeysuckles in the trees. (I took some words out.) Problem sentence 2: This day is different though. (It doesn't say why the day is different and doesn't support the topic.) Revision 2: (I took out the sentence.) Problem sentence 3: I thought I talked like everyone else and never realized I ever had an accent. (It doesn't sound like it makes sense.) Revision 3: I thought I talked like everyone else around me never realizing I have an accent. (I worded it where it sounds better.) This I Wonder Problem sentence 1: I never knew them and probably never will because the adoption laws in Missouri is that all adoptions are closed, meaning that no one knows who the birth parents are and they can't know anything about me. (It is wordy and could be reorganized.) Revision 1: I never knew my birth parents and probably never will. In Missouri, all adoptions are closed which means neither party can know about the other one. I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I took some words out and added sentences.) Problem sentence 2: I am also on a list for the state to let their medical history be told to me because of medical issues I would like to be aware of. (It is wordy and could be added to prior sentence or left out due to lack of relevance.) Revision 2: I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want to know me and so I can learn family medical history, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I added to the prior sentence.) Problem sentence 3: Telling him was easy. What bothered me was why in the world he was so happy and excited? (It needs dialogue.) Revision 3: I told him I was pregnant. He said, "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure", as I showed him the pink lines. "I can't believe it! We're going to have a baby! That's amazing", were the words I was not expecting. (I added dialogue.) This I Argue Problem sentence 1: I look around in my cabinets and I struggle with deciding what to cook with dinner, rice or shells and cheese. Not the best choices but then I can look in my fridge and see that I could make a salad to go with it. The fresh lettuce and tomatoes can be just fine, but hey I also have cucumbers, carrots, and other fresh vegetables to add to it. (Wordy and seems to take away from the point.) Revision 1: I look around in my cabinets and see easy processed food I could cook. I look some more and find that I could make a salad with a variety of healthy veggies. I don't always pick the healthy choice but I have choices. (Took out some words and made it more relevant.) Problem sentence 2: That is a much healthier choice than anything that comes in a box. (Seems redundant from previous revision.) Revision 2: (Took out sentence.) Problem sentence 3: Every once in a while the local stores will have a few bananas but it is not an everyday thing. (Seems like a filler sentence.) Revision 3: (Took out the sentence.) Thesis:
Food deserts are crippling our nation. Topic Sentences: Food deserts are locations where people have to drive for miles and in some places for hours to reach a grocery store that sells fresh fruit and vegetables and other healthier foods. Everyone wants to save money and especially when buying goods we want the most for less cost. There are other children who don’t get enough food especially healthy food whose speech and learning ability are below their level that they should be at. “Obesity and hunger are neighbors. They are both signs of having the insufficient funds to stay healthy.” 88 new or expanded grocery stores and food outlets created by the Fresh Food Financing Initiative since 2011. Source Material: www.USDA.gov "A Place at the Table" Argument Summary: Food deserts afflict 23.5 million people. We need to construct new stores and outlets to sell more people the fresh fruits and vegetables that they need. People need to be educated that when they go food shopping they need to get healthier foods instead of "junk". The Sands of Hunger
Hunger is an issue that every one of us deals with everyday. For some of us, if we are hungry we go to the pantry or the fridge that is filled with a variety of food and help ourselves to whatever may be tasty to us at the time. For others of us, it is not a big variety to choose from. A few crackers, chips or other processed foods are our breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That is because the United States of America is covered with food deserts, and they are crippling our nation. Food deserts are locations where people have to drive for miles and in some places for hours to reach a grocery store that sells fresh fruit and vegetables and other healthier foods. According to the documentary, "A Place at the Table", 23.5 million people live in these areas. There is more than enough food in this country to feed America's population yet so many of us struggle to have a substantial dinner every night. I look around in my cabinets and I struggle with deciding what to cook with dinner, rice or shells and cheese. Not the best choices but then I can look in my fridge and see that I could make a salad to go with it. The fresh lettuce and tomatoes can be just fine, but hey I also have cucumbers, carrots, and other fresh vegetables to add to it. That is a much healthier choice than anything that comes in a box. I'm surrounded in my South Philly neighborhood by grocery stores, mom and pop food stores, and there is even a vegetable cart with fresh veggies on the corner of Oregon Street that I can walk to. Honestly, I can't even imagine not having these options because I have always lived close to a big grocery store. In the documentary, “A Place at the table”, there was a single mother of a girl named Tremonica in Jonestown, Mississippi and she states, “When I go to the store, I look around and see what’s the cheapest. Chips usually on sale so I’ll grab that. If I see the fruit on sale I’ll get that and put the chips back.” Everyone wants to save money and especially when buying goods we want the most for less cost. People of Jonestown have to drive atleast 66 miles to find a full grocery store with fresh foods. Every once in a while the local stores will have a few bananas but it is not an everyday thing. I think if I had to drive that far for fresh foods, I would try to move closer or just do without. The cost of the trucking companies to deliver to every single store in America is too great and takes up too much time so they only go to places with bigger populations and off of main highways. Marion Nestle, a nutrition policy leader and the author of “Food Politics”, says, “If you have limited funds, you are going to spend it on the cheapest foods with the most calories.” She also explains, “If you look at the price of fruits and vegetables, they have gone up by forty percent since the 1990’s. The price of processed foods have gone down forty percent.” In other words, it costs less to feed us a bunch of stuff that is not healthy and that we don’t need than to make sure that everyone has the chance to eat healthy nutritional food. Tremonica from Jonestown, Mississippi, is a second grader who has asthma and other health related issues. There are other children who don’t get enough food especially healthy food whose speech and learning ability are below their level that they should be at. Mariana Chilton, Professor at Drexel University of Public Health, explains, “Any kind of nutritional deprivation however long it maybe, can have lifelong difficulties. Cognitive ability, speech and other skills are affected at a deep level.” Have you ever been hungry but instead of eating, you keep working, do chores or run errands? And while doing those other things did you start to feel weak and unable to concentrate? Now imagine that you are in that situation, but instead of grabbing something to eat, there’s nothing for you to eat. That is how so many people feel everyday. Kids go to school unable to learn new and exciting things because their focus is on how hungry they are. Tremonica has another issue that one doesn’t normally associate with hunger. She is a second grader who is overweight. She doesn’t always eat breakfast, and after school she has cookies or chips. Her mother can’t afford the fresh foods to help her get healthy so she buys the processed foods to have for dinner. Tremonica and her family may have some food to eat but because it isn’t healthy, she gains weight and has health problems. Raj Patel, author of “Stuffed and Starved”, states, “Obesity and hunger are neighbors. They are both signs of having the insufficient funds to stay healthy.” We look around and see overweight people, including kids, and think there is no way they’re hungry. We see the infomercials about starving kids in Ethiopia who are so skinny you can see their bones. Both the skinny and the overweight people are hungry. One can’t afford anything at all while the other can only afford the food that packs on the calories and makes them gain weight. According to the US Department of Agriculture website, in Pennsylvania alone there has been 88 new or expanded grocery stores and food outlets created by the Fresh Food Financing Initiative since 2011. That is an amazing number for just one state. Now there are more places that are closer for people to shop and get the fresh foods they need to live healthy lives. They did a study to see how many people were taking advantage of the new construction. They were astounded to see that people were still shopping like they were before and not buying the fresh fruits and vegetables. Even with these new options and more variety, they weren’t buying it. No one was teaching them the benefits of buying these new foods that were now available to them. If this could happen in every state and someone was there to educate the people about healthy choices then food deserts would be a thing of the past. Food deserts are crippling our nation. If everyone showed support to bring more food outlets to these areas with the option to buy fresh foods then this would be an easier fix. Teaching people how to shop for healthier foods would benefit everyone and we would be a stronger nation with the potential to grow stronger healthier children. Should America provide more funding for SNAP? If so, how much of an increase? If not, how does the current funding seem appropriate?
The current amount of Food Stamp benefits is $3 per household per day. With that amount, no one can eat breakfast, lunch and dinner sufficiently if at all. The benefit amount should be raised to atleast an amount where everyone in the household can eat healthy meals everyday. The amount should be represented by the number of people living in the house. How should Americans define “food insecurity?” How should Americans define “starving? What solutions can Americans use to overcome food insecurity and starving in America? Food insecurity should be defined as when a family can't feed everyone in the house sufficiently with nutritional food. Starving should be defined as when a family goes without any food for atleast a day. Some solutions would be to write the congressman, representatives of your area to get food assistance raised and make the policies to qualify for benefits more available for those who need it. People should ask for help from family and friends and not be ashamed of their circumstance so more people are aware. If no one knows you need help then how does one expect to get help? They might also be in need and everyone could work together. In the documentary, "A Place at the Table", several experts and activists discuss the focus of hunger in America. It is stated in the film that 1 in 6 American families don't have enough to eat. 1 in 2 children will be on food stamps some time in their life. 30% of American families are food insecure, meaning they do not know what or when their next meal will be. The film discusses the hunger issue from various locations throughout America. Collbran, CO, where Rosie, a 5th grader in the documentary, says she has a hard time focusing and struggles in class because she is hungry. "When I look at the kids in my class, they look like apples. My teacher looks like a banana," Rosie states. In Philadelphia, PA, there is Barbie Izquierdo, a single mother of 2 young children who explains that she was denied food assistance because she was $2.00 over the limit to receive benefits. Barbie points out, "I don't choose to apply for assistance, no one chooses to have to apply for assistance, but we want to be able to provide for our children." The Mississippi Delta has the highest rate of food insecurity in America. In Jonestown, MS there is an 8 year old girl named Tremonica. She is obese and hungry because her mother can't buy nutritional food like fruits and vegetables. Junk food is always available and affordable so although they are hungry, they are gaining weight from lack of nutrition and energy for exercise. Raj Patel, author of "Stuffed and Starved", states "People think that someone who is hungry that they can't be overweight. When in fact obesity and hunger are neighbors. They are both signs of having the insufficient funds to stay healthy." Marian Nestle, author of "Food Politics" and a nutrition policy leader explains, "The government is in denial of hunger in America. They are more concerned with corporate health than the health of the people."
Pink Lines
In the bathroom at my little apartment in Horsham across from the former Willow Grove Naval Base my life changed forever. It was April 2001, sunny and beautiful outside. That’s all I remember about the day. I haven’t felt well for a week or so before and the cause of feeling sick and more tired than usual could only be solved by that little box with the stick inside that I had to pee all over. I was 22 and still fresh into the Navy. I was a Hospital Corpsman despite my parents not wanting me to join the military. College at the time was not working out to my favor so I decided the military was a way to get my feet wet in the real world. I met Jimmy at EVOC (Emergency Vehicle Operation Class) training on the base. He was part of the base security updating his training with police vehicles, and I was learning how to drive an ambulance. We clicked right away and hung out a few times before we started dating. I was still getting to know him, but he seemed wonderful and I enjoyed his company. I had been in Horsham since October and worked at the base medical clinic. He was the first man I had been with since I left for the Navy. It was fun and I wasn’t planning or expecting anything serious. Ever since I was little and was told I was adopted I swore that I would never have an abortion. I felt if I did then it was like betraying myself. My birth parents chose to give me a better life and gave me up instead of aborting me. I never knew them and probably never will because the adoption laws in Missouri is that all adoptions are closed, meaning that no one knows who the birth parents are and they can't know anything about me. I am on a list saying that if they ever want to find me they can. I am also on a list for the state to let their medical history be told to me because of medical issues I would like to be aware of. So how could I not do the same when it was my turn? I had the dream probably like everyone else that kids would come after a career and a husband. How was I going to tell him, “Hey remember that night in February we were together? Well our ways of prevention might not have worked.” Yeah I can see that would go over great. Luckily I was off work this April day. It took a lot of coaxing to go to the store to get this piece of plastic that will decide my fate. I was in that bathroom for what felt like forever. I wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a mother, but not sure if I could give him or her up either. Could I get an abortion? No one would know and life could go on as if nothing happened. But I would know. I would see a kid at the park and feel guilty of what I destroyed. No, I would keep him. I would make it work. If Jimmy wanted to not be apart of his life then that’s his choice, but I can totally do this and find a way to make this work. It was after sunset. I had been in the room all day. Pee on the damn stick already. Whatever happens you can get through it. Adapt and overcome. Adapt and overcome. Great now I sound like my chief from bootcamp. Well, here goes nothing. Stupid pink lines. Pink lines messing up my plan. Not like I was one who really had a plan. I always kind of did what I thought would be good at the time. No plans. No preparing. It worked well with my procrastination that I had going. My mother said it would be the death of me. Well, I’m not dead but what the H E double hockey sticks do I do now?! Yes, it appears that I am pregnant. Great he’s coming over. I called to let him in on the event of my day that I was pregnant and now he’s coming over to talk about it. I was fine and I didn't need him coming over telling me how to feel. Telling him was easy. What bothered me was why in the world he was so happy and excited? Wasn’t he worried about what might happen? We barely knew eachother, so how did he think it was a good thing? That was not the reaction I was expecting. I expected him to hang up and stay far away from me and want nothing to do with me. He knows nothing. Maybe he’s stupid? Alright he’s not stupid but seriously who does that? We talked about every teeny tiny scenario and I told him how I felt about abortions and adoption. He agreed that it was scary but that he would be there with me and we would take care of the baby together. We were going to raise a child together one way or another. Through a lot of ups, downs, breakups, fights, and making up we raised our children. Yes, I had a boy. And I was blessed with another two boys later. And that same man proposed and I finally said I do in June 2013. They all mean the world to me and I can’t imagine a world without them. Things would be so different if I didn’t have them in my life. The reality of those pink lines brought me my family and I am proud of the path I chose. Telling Ever since I was little and was told I was adopted I swore that I would never have an abortion. I felt if I did then it was like betraying myself. My birth parents chose to give me a better life and gave me up instead of aborting me. So how could I not do the same when it was my turn? I had the dream probably like everyone else that kids would come after a career and a husband. How was I going to tell him, “Hey remember that night in February we were together? Well our ways of prevention might not have worked.” Yeah that would go over great. The purpose of me telling sharing this part with you is so you can better understand the what lead to this day and my ultimate decision. Without this part then the whole point of the story wouldn't make that much sense. Our choices we make in life, even the small trivial ones can change us forever and will never know till later in life when we look back. Showing It is after sunset. I have been in this room all day. Pee on the damn stick already. Whatever happens you can get through it. Adapt and overcome. Adapt and overcome. Great now I sound like my chief from bootcamp. Well, here goes nothing. Stupid pink lines. Pink lines messing up my plan. Not like I was one who really had a plan. I always kind of did what I thought would be good at the time. No plans. No preparing. It worked well with my procrastination that I had going. My mother said it would be the death of me. Well, I’m not dead but what the H E double hockey sticks do I do now?! Showing the reader what all was going in my head, where my brain was in this moment of time better explains my circumstance. It is only in a bathroom, a small bathroom that was crushing me with the pressure of where my life was going to go, but this bathroom is apart of the stepping stone that turned my life upside down and gave me something beautiful My initial thoughts before I present my This I Wonder essay is that I am nervous. I am not a public speaker and do not put myself in that situation if I don't have to. I hope that maybe some of the readers can relate in some way to my story. If they haven't been in this situation, maybe they will think of it when and if they ever are.
Standing up in front of everyone was not as bad as I thought. It helped that most of the class was not in attendance. I got picked to go first today after I ran up to the fourth floor and was a couple minutes late. The audience listened and laughed appropriately at my remarks through out my story and gave some great feedback to help me revise my essay. I added humor to a difficult situation and made the story human as to relate to my readers and bring out my personality. The suspense in the beginning good and my tone was a good approach. The main suggestion was that I need to add some more background details on myself at that time and explain where I was in my life at that point. I need to add more dialogue of how my husband reacted and that it was unexpected. The tense I used went between present and past so I need to be consistent with that. The conclusion needs to bring it all together about the pink lines. I will be working on this and feel free to add more suggestions. In the bathroom at my little apartment in Horsham across from the former Willow Grove Naval Base my life changed forever. It was April 2001, sunny and beautiful outside. That’s all I remember about the day. I haven’t felt well for a week or so before and the cause of feeling sick and more tired than usual could only be solved by that little box with the stick inside that I had to pee all over.
I had been dating this one man for only a few months. I was still getting to know him but he seemed wonderful and I enjoyed his company. I met his parents only a couple times for dinner. They seemed nice and welcomed me always. I had been in Horsham since October and worked at the base medical clinic. He was the first man I had been with since I left for the Navy. It was fun and I wasn’t planning or expecting anything serious. Ever since I was little and was told I was adopted I swore that I would never have an abortion. I felt if I did then it was like betraying myself. My birth parents chose to give me a better life and gave me up instead of aborting me. So how could I not do the same when it was my turn? I had the dream probably like everyone else that kids would come after a career and a husband. How was I going to tell him, “Hey remember that night in February we were together? Well our ways of prevention might not have worked.” Yeah that would go over great. Luckily I was off work this April day. It took a lot of coaxing to go to the store to get this piece of plastic that will decide my fate. Now I have been in the bathroom for what feels like forever. I’m not ready for the responsibility of being a mother but not sure if I could give him or her up either. Could I get an abortion? No one would know and life could go on as if nothing happened. But I would know. I would see a kid at the park and feel guilty of what I destroyed. No, I would keep him. I would make it work. If he wanted to not be apart of it then that’s his choice, but I can totally do this and find a way to make this work. It is after sunset. I have been in this room all day. Pee on the damn stick already. Whatever happens you can get through it. Adapt and overcome. Adapt and overcome. Great now I sound like my chief from bootcamp. Well, here goes nothing. Stupid pink lines. Pink lines messing up my plan. Not like I was one who really had a plan. I always kind of did what I thought would be good at the time. No plans. No preparing. It worked well with my procrastination that I had going. My mother said it would be the death of me. Well, I’m not dead but what the H E double hockey sticks do I do now?! Great he’s coming over. I called to let him in on the event of my day and now he’s coming over. I’m fine. I don’t need you coming over telling me how you feel. I don’t care. I’m keeping it and that is that. I hope it’s a boy. I always wanted a boy. If I had a girl she would probably turn out stubborn as me and we would annoy each other. Telling him was easy. What bothered me was why in the world he is so happy and excited? Isn’t he worried about what might happen? We barely know eachother, how does he think this is a good thing. What if I am a bad mother? He knows nothing. Maybe he’s stupid? Alright he’s not stupid but seriously who does that? We talked about every teeny tiny scenario and I told him how I felt about abortions and adoption. We were going to raise a child together one way or another. Through a lot of ups, downs, breakups, fights, and making up we raised our children. Yes, I had a boy. And I was blessed with another two boys later. And that same man proposed and I finally said I do in June 2013. They all mean the world to me and I can’t imagine a world without them. Things would be so different if I didn’t have them in my life. |