As the spring semester comes to an end, I look back at all my past writings and see how I have grown. So many distractions from daily life and I found ways to get essays and blogs done. I would get other tasks done first before I sat down to write anything. Finding a quiet room in my house is almost impossible so when kids were doing their homework or in bed for the night was my time to type. I tried various methods that would get the creative juices flowing and there wasn't just one method. It depended on the day and what else I had going on and had to do. One of my strategies was to always have a pad of paper and a pen near by so anytime throughout the day if I got a creative surge I could jot it down. This really worked. Not well organized, but when I could sit down, I had a few papers with ideas to help me. At midterm I was improving and just needed to put some more effort into my work. I was motivated and proud of my This I Wonder essay and kept revising to make it better. I tried to keep up with the assignments afterward but life got in the way again. I missed a few days and the motivation was lost. It wasn't hard to build it up again, but I felt like I let myself down for not staying focused when I needed to be. I felt like I accomplished my goal of becoming stronger and more open with my writing. I also feel like I have more to learn.
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I am going through my essays finding "problem" sentences and revising them. The final drafts with revisions will be posted under the portfolio.
This I Believe Problem sentence 1: As I pull up in the driveway and get out of the car, I can smell the aroma of the honeysuckle trees on the side of the white house wit blue shutters. (It seems to be too long and wordy.) Revision 1: As I pull in the driveway to the white house with blue shutters, I can smell the honeysuckles in the trees. (I took some words out.) Problem sentence 2: This day is different though. (It doesn't say why the day is different and doesn't support the topic.) Revision 2: (I took out the sentence.) Problem sentence 3: I thought I talked like everyone else and never realized I ever had an accent. (It doesn't sound like it makes sense.) Revision 3: I thought I talked like everyone else around me never realizing I have an accent. (I worded it where it sounds better.) This I Wonder Problem sentence 1: I never knew them and probably never will because the adoption laws in Missouri is that all adoptions are closed, meaning that no one knows who the birth parents are and they can't know anything about me. (It is wordy and could be reorganized.) Revision 1: I never knew my birth parents and probably never will. In Missouri, all adoptions are closed which means neither party can know about the other one. I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I took some words out and added sentences.) Problem sentence 2: I am also on a list for the state to let their medical history be told to me because of medical issues I would like to be aware of. (It is wordy and could be added to prior sentence or left out due to lack of relevance.) Revision 2: I am on a list saying I would like to know them if they want to know me and so I can learn family medical history, but that hasn't happened yet and as I get older the chances are less likely. (I added to the prior sentence.) Problem sentence 3: Telling him was easy. What bothered me was why in the world he was so happy and excited? (It needs dialogue.) Revision 3: I told him I was pregnant. He said, "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure", as I showed him the pink lines. "I can't believe it! We're going to have a baby! That's amazing", were the words I was not expecting. (I added dialogue.) This I Argue Problem sentence 1: I look around in my cabinets and I struggle with deciding what to cook with dinner, rice or shells and cheese. Not the best choices but then I can look in my fridge and see that I could make a salad to go with it. The fresh lettuce and tomatoes can be just fine, but hey I also have cucumbers, carrots, and other fresh vegetables to add to it. (Wordy and seems to take away from the point.) Revision 1: I look around in my cabinets and see easy processed food I could cook. I look some more and find that I could make a salad with a variety of healthy veggies. I don't always pick the healthy choice but I have choices. (Took out some words and made it more relevant.) Problem sentence 2: That is a much healthier choice than anything that comes in a box. (Seems redundant from previous revision.) Revision 2: (Took out sentence.) Problem sentence 3: Every once in a while the local stores will have a few bananas but it is not an everyday thing. (Seems like a filler sentence.) Revision 3: (Took out the sentence.) Thesis:
Food deserts are crippling our nation. Topic Sentences: Food deserts are locations where people have to drive for miles and in some places for hours to reach a grocery store that sells fresh fruit and vegetables and other healthier foods. Everyone wants to save money and especially when buying goods we want the most for less cost. There are other children who don’t get enough food especially healthy food whose speech and learning ability are below their level that they should be at. “Obesity and hunger are neighbors. They are both signs of having the insufficient funds to stay healthy.” 88 new or expanded grocery stores and food outlets created by the Fresh Food Financing Initiative since 2011. Source Material: www.USDA.gov "A Place at the Table" Argument Summary: Food deserts afflict 23.5 million people. We need to construct new stores and outlets to sell more people the fresh fruits and vegetables that they need. People need to be educated that when they go food shopping they need to get healthier foods instead of "junk". The Sands of Hunger
Hunger is an issue that every one of us deals with everyday. For some of us, if we are hungry we go to the pantry or the fridge that is filled with a variety of food and help ourselves to whatever may be tasty to us at the time. For others of us, it is not a big variety to choose from. A few crackers, chips or other processed foods are our breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That is because the United States of America is covered with food deserts, and they are crippling our nation. Food deserts are locations where people have to drive for miles and in some places for hours to reach a grocery store that sells fresh fruit and vegetables and other healthier foods. According to the documentary, "A Place at the Table", 23.5 million people live in these areas. There is more than enough food in this country to feed America's population yet so many of us struggle to have a substantial dinner every night. I look around in my cabinets and I struggle with deciding what to cook with dinner, rice or shells and cheese. Not the best choices but then I can look in my fridge and see that I could make a salad to go with it. The fresh lettuce and tomatoes can be just fine, but hey I also have cucumbers, carrots, and other fresh vegetables to add to it. That is a much healthier choice than anything that comes in a box. I'm surrounded in my South Philly neighborhood by grocery stores, mom and pop food stores, and there is even a vegetable cart with fresh veggies on the corner of Oregon Street that I can walk to. Honestly, I can't even imagine not having these options because I have always lived close to a big grocery store. In the documentary, “A Place at the table”, there was a single mother of a girl named Tremonica in Jonestown, Mississippi and she states, “When I go to the store, I look around and see what’s the cheapest. Chips usually on sale so I’ll grab that. If I see the fruit on sale I’ll get that and put the chips back.” Everyone wants to save money and especially when buying goods we want the most for less cost. People of Jonestown have to drive atleast 66 miles to find a full grocery store with fresh foods. Every once in a while the local stores will have a few bananas but it is not an everyday thing. I think if I had to drive that far for fresh foods, I would try to move closer or just do without. The cost of the trucking companies to deliver to every single store in America is too great and takes up too much time so they only go to places with bigger populations and off of main highways. Marion Nestle, a nutrition policy leader and the author of “Food Politics”, says, “If you have limited funds, you are going to spend it on the cheapest foods with the most calories.” She also explains, “If you look at the price of fruits and vegetables, they have gone up by forty percent since the 1990’s. The price of processed foods have gone down forty percent.” In other words, it costs less to feed us a bunch of stuff that is not healthy and that we don’t need than to make sure that everyone has the chance to eat healthy nutritional food. Tremonica from Jonestown, Mississippi, is a second grader who has asthma and other health related issues. There are other children who don’t get enough food especially healthy food whose speech and learning ability are below their level that they should be at. Mariana Chilton, Professor at Drexel University of Public Health, explains, “Any kind of nutritional deprivation however long it maybe, can have lifelong difficulties. Cognitive ability, speech and other skills are affected at a deep level.” Have you ever been hungry but instead of eating, you keep working, do chores or run errands? And while doing those other things did you start to feel weak and unable to concentrate? Now imagine that you are in that situation, but instead of grabbing something to eat, there’s nothing for you to eat. That is how so many people feel everyday. Kids go to school unable to learn new and exciting things because their focus is on how hungry they are. Tremonica has another issue that one doesn’t normally associate with hunger. She is a second grader who is overweight. She doesn’t always eat breakfast, and after school she has cookies or chips. Her mother can’t afford the fresh foods to help her get healthy so she buys the processed foods to have for dinner. Tremonica and her family may have some food to eat but because it isn’t healthy, she gains weight and has health problems. Raj Patel, author of “Stuffed and Starved”, states, “Obesity and hunger are neighbors. They are both signs of having the insufficient funds to stay healthy.” We look around and see overweight people, including kids, and think there is no way they’re hungry. We see the infomercials about starving kids in Ethiopia who are so skinny you can see their bones. Both the skinny and the overweight people are hungry. One can’t afford anything at all while the other can only afford the food that packs on the calories and makes them gain weight. According to the US Department of Agriculture website, in Pennsylvania alone there has been 88 new or expanded grocery stores and food outlets created by the Fresh Food Financing Initiative since 2011. That is an amazing number for just one state. Now there are more places that are closer for people to shop and get the fresh foods they need to live healthy lives. They did a study to see how many people were taking advantage of the new construction. They were astounded to see that people were still shopping like they were before and not buying the fresh fruits and vegetables. Even with these new options and more variety, they weren’t buying it. No one was teaching them the benefits of buying these new foods that were now available to them. If this could happen in every state and someone was there to educate the people about healthy choices then food deserts would be a thing of the past. Food deserts are crippling our nation. If everyone showed support to bring more food outlets to these areas with the option to buy fresh foods then this would be an easier fix. Teaching people how to shop for healthier foods would benefit everyone and we would be a stronger nation with the potential to grow stronger healthier children. |